26 December 2007

I wish I could eat.

Have you ever missed someone so much that it feels like the entirety of your insides are compressing and leaving a huge empty space where everything that's keeping you alive is supposed to be? Every breath you take is an enormous effort because your heart and lungs feel so heavy. You become lightheaded and feel like you're going to pass out because it's so hard to breathe. It's completely miserable. Utter torment. Sometimes you think you might just die. It comes in waves. One moment you're fine. You're laughing and smiling. Then suddenly, it hurts so bad you feel like it's going to kill you.

This sounds so dramatic but if you've ever loved and have faced the possibility of love lost then you know it's absolutely true. The pain is almost unbearable.


  1. wow! you have just put into words how I've been feeling for the past two months.

    I so wish you would come back to livejournal and update. :(

  2. I'm so sorry. I would never wish this pain upon anybody.

  3. I've been feeling this for the past 4 1/2 years. I have gave up in January trying to find replacements for that aching.

    I'm a little behind reading these older posts, but I've been following your newer entries and I feel like we're so much a like in many ways I decided to start from the beginning. You're first month's entries are exactly what I've been doing and feeling for a long time now. It's good to feel connections through people even if it's only unknown electronically.

  4. wow, so many spelling errors, sorry. I should be sleeping but can't so I stay up and read your blog. :)

  5. I have nearly forgotten by now that I ever felt that way. When I re-read my words from that time, it's almost as if I used to know a girl who felt like that. I can sympathize with her, but I've forgotten that I was actually that person.

    The pain can go away, the aching can fade - but it takes a lot of hard work and determination. I am so sorry that you have struggled with those emotions for as long as you have. I truly hope they are not there to stay. Forgive me for sounding like a slimy motivational speaker, but I do believe that even in our weakest moments, we can find a strong person deep down, even if they are small. I encourage you dig deep and see if you can find her, because living that way is miserable, and it is possible to find happiness both within yourself and outside yourself again.

  6. PS. I am sorry if this comes across as presumptuous, but if you are hoping to merely cover up your pain by searching for replacements, or blankets to hide under, I don't believe you will ever find healing. My tricks were to focus on positive things in my life as much as I possibly could (it was very difficult!). I also found new hobbies, spent as much time with the people I loved as possible, surrounded myself with new things and would seek out new opportunities - all whilst really hashing through all of the dark stuff. Eventually, I regained my footing, found a new life and became a happier, healthier girl than I ever had been.

    Perhaps these words will mean nothing to you, but knowing that you feel the way I did, I am urged to help if I can. Even if it is in the smallest way.